Why I'm Deferring Final Year
Lately, I've been feeling...disheveled, bewildered, out of sorts. I've been suffering continuous mood swings and periods of numbness and it's slowly eaten me away these last few months. I'm obviously familiar with my bouts of low moods and how to manage it (somewhat well). But it's taken a toll on me like no other and I'm not sure how to navigate myself. Much like when I finished the Leaving Cert...It's a constant feeling of burning out, and some days it feels worse and never-ending. But most other days, it feels prolonged and hangs over me like this horrible, irritable dark cloud. If I could sum it up in one word, it would be 'doubt.' Doubt in myself, my abilities and my life's direction. The morning of my last exam in second semester this past January felt heavy on my shoulders. Suddenly, I lost all focus and all motivation for my exam and my course. This nagged me for days to come and then weeks later, it became worse. Coming into second semester of my third year, I would sit in class and think, "what am I doing here?" I didn't think I deserved to be in the same spot as everyone else...even though I knew everyone in that class worked hard to get there, including me. I just couldn't picture myself in the same world as those people, because I had such little confidence in myself. All I ever felt was doubt.
For a course I once adored, I began resenting it entirely. My passion for doing assignments and legal research became feelings of dread once I handed one up, and had to begin the next one. It wasn't necessarily the modules I was taking, but everything wrapped up together. I was getting on the bus every morning to class purely for keeping up my attendance, and of course to see my friends, once I found the time. I found myself leaving college to go home early and nap because I felt physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted. I believe that the only beaming light for me to not go further into my depressive spiral was retaining my workout regime. But even with that, I stopped wearing makeup and wearing my regular clothes, like dresses or skirts with my little boots. Those were the things that made me feel confident in myself like no other. I just wore the same cycle of three different gym outfits to class everyday. I remember feeling so incredibly shit every time I looked in the mirror.
These last few months have given me a lot of time to process what I really need. I needed this time to ease up and focus on myself. I didn't date much; not like I was before Christmas, at least. The dates I did go on, I really enjoyed and it was nice to express my true self for a change, with no fear of what could happen next, I just let be. And I adored that feeling! I started meeting friends again for drinks and keeping contact with them more often. I thought to myself in moments like that, "I need more of this!" I need time to figure myself out. I don't want to go into my final year with the majority of my mind packed with negativity or doubt. I want to go in with the same feeling I had going into my second year: complete and utter excitement and passion. I love studying law and I love the potential career paths I'll eventually take, but for now, I'm not even sure what direction I'm heading toward. I'm hoping that this year will lift a lot of that cloudiness and make room for fresher, clearer air. I'm going to boost up the CV and volunteer in a new place each month, all different from the last, continue working part-time to save up for my Masters degree (for a later stage) and take up a new hobby or skill and hopefully earn a certificate by next year. I'll spend more time with family and friends (we'll see how COVID restrictions ease up overtime!) and subscribe to a new gym membership to continue strengthening my body and mind.
For once, I'm proud of my decision and I feel confident in myself. Of course, deferral is not for everyone, because the majority of you would prefer to full steam ahead with your education and just finish it already. But I personally can't do that. I need some breathing space to really fire ahead with everyone else. And I feel good. I feel really good.
“When things are not happening as planned just stop worrying and take an unplanned break to regain yourself.”―
Comments
Post a Comment