Self-Esteem & Friendships

Self-Esteem & Friendships

One of the hardest things in the world is feeling isolated from the rest of the group. No matter how old you are, or where you are in life, nobody ever wants to feel excluded. When I was a little girl, my mother ensured that we never really felt alone. She always wanted us to get out of our comfort zones, and to never be afraid to express who we were. I was absolutely terrified starting primary school. All I wanted was to stay home, curl up in my bed and watch cartoons. When I eventually settled in, I did exactly as my mother told me. I approached anyone who looked interesting to me, and introduced myself. Throughout my time in school, I was always the talkative one. I was a bit loud, obnoxious and very enthusiastic. I was very friendly to everyone; I never wanted to exclude anybody. I rarely got into fights and avoided drama at all costs. I always considered myself a very social wallflower; I was the observing shoulder, if you will. 

When I got older, my mental health started to deteriorate. So, going into secondary school, I changed somewhat. I was still as enthusiastic as ever (in presence of others), I was still quite talkative, but my voice a bit quieter. I felt very self-conscious and became more aware of my character and how I portrayed myself to others. "Am I being too loud?" "Was that thing I said last week considered rude?" I even started questioning my own friends, and why they wanted to hang around with me. The logical reason was because they genuinely enjoyed having me around. But I could never see it that way. I quickly grasped the behaviours of everyone around me. I paid so much attention to intricate details that I could tell immediately if someone was getting upset, or angry, or if they had some important news to tell. I remember some of my friends telling me I had some sort of gift. It seemed unreasonable for someone to listen so attentively and pay heed to emotion. It was simple: I was, and still am a deeply caring person.

That is and always has been an issue for me. I expose myself a little too much to others, and they very quickly take advantage. For many years, many of my friendships over the years have been very one-sided. I put all my efforts in to ensure that person was cared for. I listened to any problems they may have had, I consoled them when they cried, and helped them make decisions they were unable to make alone. I got very little of that in return. I had a lot of shit going on, but that was rarely discussed. I avoided talking about my problems, and put my friends before me. I was convinced their problems were more important than mine. Saying that aloud to myself now, it sounds like utter bullshit. Of course their problems are important, but my problems will always be just as important. I was filling from a very empty cup, and it took me a very long time to snap out of that mindset. I'm still working on that.
          I will always be very forgiving, but I will never forget how anyone treated me. I wouldn't say I'm that naive. The thing is, I really don't hold onto grudges. I avoid confrontation and fights at all costs. In fact, I'm quite terrified of it because I know that I will end up either blowing up, bursting into tears or saying something unavoidable that can never be taken back. Any friendships I've had over the years have nearly always been fizzled out completely. There were never any arguments or rumours. Any friend of mine who I realized after a while that they were bad for me, I slowly drifted away. I always had good reason, and it was never for ill reasons. I was simply thinking selfishly for once in my life, and it felt incredible when the friendship was finally over. 

Perhaps I should have spent more time focusing on my own wellbeing before diving into friendships that were too difficult to handle. By difficult, I mean that I was always somehow in a group, filled with people saying nasty things about each other, it always ending up in some sort of silent brawl, and everything going back to normal a few days later. That's how fights start in a group: by outsiders getting involved. I never speak ill of anyone to another person unless they done something directly to me, and I truly felt affected by how they treated me. I never liked the concept of gossiping or "bitching." It always seemed so tedious to me. This cycle continued for years, and it truly beat down my self-esteem further. Not only was I questioning how I acted in front of others, I was terrified I would say the wrong thing and it would backlash, and I would end up involved in something I shouldn't. 

           I came to the conclusion that I was never destined to be part of a group. I thought that maybe my individuality would help me get through that, because I was so different to everyone else in how I approached different things, how my mind would race to scenarios that others thought were a bit...strange. But that was never the case afterall. I am not destined to "fit in" because I am a one-of-a-kind friend. No matter what, I will always stay loyal to those I love, and who love me. I never put all my eggs into one basket anymore. It took many years for me to realise who my true friends were. I am completely okay with not being part of a group. I am like a little feather, flying about. I enjoy being in the company of one or two people, other times I love being at a party where I can ravish in the company of many people. I enjoy being by myself sometimes, and that's okay too. Sometimes removing yourself from friendships can save your self-confidence from sailing away. Like any relationship, you need to learn to love yourself and know what you want, and need from another person. We need to say FUCK IT and slowly remove any poison from our lives to be truly happy. Never be afraid to stand up to shitty people. Never be afraid to stand up for the kind and compassionate. Because life would be a whole lot easier if we cared about ourselves, and for those who care about us. Always be yourself, and love others for who they are. 

A note to my true friends throughout the years

I appreciate you everyday for everything you have done for me. I can't thank you enough for encouraging my strength through all the difficult times, and making me feel worthwhile. Thank you for making a difference in my life. I would never be where I am today if it wasn't for your kindness and compassion. Thank you for accepting me for who I truly am. I love you with all my heart.

Love always, 

Danya x