Why Emotional Intelligence Matters

Growing up, I never thought of myself as an intelligent person. As a child, I struggled with numbers and basic memory skills and usually fell behind in my classes. I was always inadvertently average in my mind and that's how I accepted myself to be. Until I started improving my grades in History...I was never quite able to memorize dates or specific people involved, but I always remembered the basics of the events, and more importantly how and why these events occurred. I remember sitting there, listening...learning and trying to understand the mindsets of leaders and rebels during times of conflict and revolution. I was able to go home and share all the information I learned in the class that day to other friends and family because to me, it was merely a story that had to be told. That's how my mind grasped history, not as facts and dates but fairy tales. They were fascinating to me. The same goes with Religion. I remember obtaining an excellent grade in my Junior Cert because I took my methods of learning history through theological stories and incorporating my emotional intelligence to how these religions functioned, why they functioned, how these stories stand the test of time today, how we and they perceive them today. 

     I accepted my skills as they came. It was not until I started to fall in love with poetry and playwrights and novels of all kinds. Whether they were filled with anguish, hatred, love or sadness, I was able to grasp my understanding of the writer and implement that through paper. I received assignment after assignment with higher and higher scores. The more I read, the more I wrote, the better I became. And with that, the more confident I became: a feeling of which I never truly felt in myself. I was asked by other students for help with homework. I was praised by not only my English teachers, but by others that heard of me through the grapevine. I won an award for the subject in fifth year. I suddenly felt an overwhelming feeling all throughout my body. It was then I was being recognized for my intelligence within my outstanding performances. I truly felt as though I was no longer average, but I had found my calling. I may have been far weaker with languages, numbers and logistics, but I knew where my skills lied. 

      I remember being approached by my counselor at the age of fifteen for the opportunity to partake in group therapy. It was a bit unexpected. It came out of nowhere and when I asked why the sudden request, because I was more than happy with one-on-one therapy. She told me simply, she thought it would be good for me. While, on the other hand bring a lot to the table for other young people my age. It seemed to me like a voluntary position, so I laughed about it. But she truly believed I would be a huge helping hand to other kids my age because of how vocal, honest and yet compassionate I am. She knew I was not afraid to be upfront about my problems and she thought that maybe I could inspire the shier ones to open up more and learn from me that it's absolutely okay to go through rough times, no matter who you are. I could see where she was coming from on the one hand. For some reason, I rarely feel shame for feeling shitty. I'm quite vocal about all my issues and will always answer honestly, if someone were to ask me, of course. 

        I quickly internalized this from then on, and started noticing little details of previous encounters with people over the course of my life. I noticed how strangers would start up conversations, quickly shifting the conversation to a darker topic and sharing their deepest secrets with me. Usually always before stopping and exclaiming, "why did I just tell you that...you're a complete stranger?" And I completely agree. Yes, I am and will always be to a lot of people. I somehow presented this aura to others in the world that comforted them. I was always a mediator in many people's eyes. Even if I didn't say anything in response to their stories, I believe they somehow felt that this stranger they're talking to, empathizes with them and understands them. It expanded to not only strangers, but friends, acquaintances and family members. I somehow compiled their darkest secrets over the years, with absolutely nowhere to put them. They're just sort of...there in my head, always. I have avoided a lot of conflict over the course of my life simply by placing myself in the other persons' shoes, further improving my skills of empathy and compassion for others. However, sadly rarely for myself (but I'm still working on that front). I have used my emotional intelligence through study, through my jobs over the years. Of course, clashing with others in the midst of it because I always managed to choose matter over the mind. I made nearly all of my decisions with my heart rather than my head. Some adored these traits, while others inevitably grew impatient and frustrated with it all. Understandably. 

      I am writing this piece because throughout 2019, I have done my fair share of growth and reflections. I have learned more about myself in this year than any others. I have thought back on the times where as a child, I would watch the news and hear of these atrocities happening all over the world and I remember lying in bed, crying hysterically because I managed to internalize what those people were feeling. I cried because I couldn't help them. I couldn't grasp how other people weren't helping them. Most of all, crying even more that nobody else was feeling as strongly as I was, somehow thinking I was abnormal or just plain crazy. Nowadays, I have to physically block out my emotional side studying criminal cases in college or else I will get too attached. As mad as that may sound. But that is who I am. I am not a logical person by any means. I find it difficult to control my emotion, so I had to do it through other means, like writing or drawing. 

         Most of all, I have learned how important it is to recognize your weaknesses at times but surely embrace and embark on your strengths. Nobody is entirely "intelligent" in my eyes because nobody in this world can excel at every aspect of the world. They may find it challenging to sit down and talk to someone and really listen. And feel. And empathize. We are taught in schools that we are not on the tier intelligence if we fail our exams and don't get into the university of our choice. If we fail at that, we are falling behind. But, what if we can use our other forms of intelligence to navigate our way through the world? My leaving cert points did not exceed 350 points, which is quite average to the Irish educational system. I didn't know which course I wanted or which career to pursue. Schools don't necessarily teach you how to use emotional intelligence or how you can build a career based on that. Growing up, I always felt inadequate to other kids getting higher test scores than me and had that gut-wrenching feeling of, "What if I fall behind? What then?" But I'm trying to let go of those old feelings. I'm trying my best to be proud of who I have become and who I will continue to be. My path is leading me to helping others in life. I believe that is what I was born to do. 

         

           The term 'emotional intelligence' was only first introduced in 1990 by psychologists Mayer and Salovey. Referring to "one’s capacity to perceive, process and regulate emotional information accurately and effectively, both within oneself and in others and to use this information to guide one’s thinking and actions and to influence those of others" (Positive Psychology).

The following is (roughly) compiled from PositivePsychology.com, found at: https://positivepsychology.com/importance-of-emotional-intelligence/ (in case any of you were interested in reading the article- I highly recommend you do as it is absolutely fascinating and provides a wider insight into different forms of intelligence)

5 Categories of Emotional Intelligence:

• Self-awareness: the ability to recognize and understand one’s own emotions and their impact on others (adapting to introspective self-evaluation)
• Self-regulation: the ability to manage one’s negative emotions, and to adapt to changes in circumstance. Ability to excel in managing conflict, adapt well to change and more likely to take responsibility.
• Motivation: ability to focus on achieving internal or self-gratification rather than external praise or reward. Also having a tendency to be more committed and goal oriented.
• Empathy: the ability to recognize and understand how others are feeling and consider those feelings before responding in social situations. Understanding the dynamics that influence relationships of any and all kind(s).
• Social skills: the ability to manage the emotions of others through emotional understanding and using this to connect with others through listening, verbal and nonverbal communication.

"The importance of EI should not go unappreciated; the ability to understand and manage your emotions is the first step in realizing your true potential. How can we achieve meaningful progress if we don’t recognize and acknowledge the point from where we’re starting? When checking directions on your sat-nav, a destination is useless unless we know the origin.

Whether it be connecting with others and improving interpersonal communication, achieving success in the workplace or social relationships, dealing with stress and improving motivation or refining decision-making skills – emotional intelligence plays a central role in realizing success in both personal and professional life."

For any of you out there who feel/have felt inadequate with your level of (traditional societal standard) intelligence, just remember you are what the world needs. There will always be scientists and mathematicians and doctors changing the world. But we are what makes the world grander and livelier and more exciting. Where will we be without musicians, painters, poets, comedians? Who will document important issues in the world? Who will counsel and advise us when we're down? Who will console and comfort the fragile? Emotional Intelligence matters. You matter. We can all shine in our own ways that don't meet traditional societal standards of life. Your emotional intelligence is worth its weight in gold for this world. Don't ever let that treasure go. Embrace it. Always. 

Love Always, 

D x