Finding Balance

Finding Balance 

This year has been quite a difficult journey for me. I have found the good and bad in this world, and have learned so much throughout these experiences. I can't help but feel somehow empty but liberated. This balance has helped change my perceptions of the world, more so than ever before and

I have never felt more free- not as trapped in endless negativity circulating my body and mind. I look forward to things now, and I don't feel guilty for enjoying life. I no longer fear the happiness stripping away from me like a rugged burn. Whatever life has to offer me, I throw my arms back and say "give me all you got." I waste no time nitpicking at things that can't be helped. I no longer worry for things out of my control. I would never be able to say the same for myself back then, for the girl I was before. I am now speaking for the woman I am today. 

Finding balance in the universe can be a very difficult journey if you are on either side of the spectrum of optimism or pessimism. I fell into the category of fearful pessimist, with a touch of naive hope. I always hoped and prayed that the bad things would change and that everything would be okay. But that's not how life works. Life is a very cruel place filled with bad people and bad experiences. But life is also wonderful. It is filled with hope, happiness and love. Life is out of control in most aspects. But it is up to us to set our roles as individuals. To find balance in the universe, we must simply be kind to others and ourselves. Hold our heads up high to the world and say "fuck it." And I believe we can all learn a thing or two from our past generations. 

My grandfather passed just months ago. For those few weeks before and after his death, our family was at a standstill. None of us knew exactly what to say or how to feel. We felt a loss of presence, and we did not quite know how to deal with our emotions. What we did know, was that we had each other. And that we all had been feeling the same thing- we felt lost. Lost without the little witty voice in the room sitting with his cup of coffee watching the news. My grandfather was a man of little words, but when he did have something to say, it was always memorable. He portrayed himself on the outside as a grumpy old man, but we all knew he was as soft as a teddy bear inside. He had nothing but love for his family, his friends and of course, my nanny. He always made sure she was alright, even until the very end. My grandad was a more perfect mix of balance than anything you would find on this earth. He taught us never to ask questions where we shouldn't. It was none of our business. He taught us never to speak ill of others unless you were ready to say it to their faces. And most of all, he taught us that even the simplest things in life could bring you the simplest joys. I still think of him everyday. I remember his quirks, his one-liners and his wisdom. I think of the all that love in his heart. All and all, he lived a wonderful, long and happy life. He was a rebel until the end. 

I look forward now to starting my new journey as a 2nd year law student. I look forward to these new experiences as I begin a fresh start. I have friends now, and out of college too, that love and care for me for the person that I am. No bullshit required. I feel hopeful for who I will continue to become as this year progresses into the next. I am more at peace with my anxiety and depression. I no longer shut people out of my life. I no longer isolate myself from having fun. I no longer allow toxicity in my soul. I have worked too hard to back down now. I am going to do great things in this world, one small step at a time and I have my strength to carry with me. The world is filled with endless possibilities for me to explore. The balance is where it lies. 

Love always, 

D x