It's Okay to Ask for Help
Lately, I've realized how my life has become gradually easier to manage across the board. It hasn't exactly been a walk in the park, but the weight on my shoulders has certainly become lighter. The last few months, my mind and body slowed down, and so now, I observe everything in a vastly different light than before. I'm a lot more patient with others and of course, with myself.
For the longest time, I always had that crippling fear of time running out. Do I have enough time to fulfill this goal? What if I don't? What if I do? How much time is left for the next task? I drove myself crazy- and that didn't help anything. I chose to defer my final year, because I physically couldn't take it anymore. My mind was under immense pressure and my body was fighting against that in any way that it could. I suffered long-term migraines, stomach aches, back and shoulder pain...and now, being around 3 months later, I'm as healthy as a horse. As well as that, I've noticed my hair and skin have become clearer and less dry, I'm shedding (healthy) body weight and while not a physical improvement (per se), many people, including myself have noticed how much happier I've become. I'm smiling and laughing a whole lot more and constantly finding new things to enjoy, even if it's not particularly enjoyable to anyone else. It helps me, and that's all that matters.
I have always been the person who gave far more attention to others than I ever gave to myself. The sooner I snapped out of that mindset, the easier everything became. When life became too difficult to bare, I reached out for support from my loved ones and anyone else who would listen to me. Like many others out there, I truly understand how doing that somehow diminishes your pride and everything you've ever worked for. "Can't we just help ourselves? There's nothing anyone can say to me that I don't already know. I've done it for so long up until now, so why change my pattern?" I questioned this an abundance of times over... and it all came circling back to: "because you somehow keep landing yourself back into the dark place." I thought that if I just changed this one part of my own habits and how I deal with things, maybe I would see some sort of difference...and I did...very quickly. I usually enjoy my own company (a bit too much) to the point where I isolate myself and cut off all contact with others. So, I forced myself out of that cycle by meeting up with (or even calling) a friend every few days. If they were busy, I would take an hour of my day to sit with my mam and the dog and just enjoy each other's company. That slowly became nearly every day and that hour became the entire night. At the beginning, the purpose wasn't to complain or empty all my problems onto the next person. But it gave me a great start to try reaching out more when I was down. Even if I didn't feel like talking, I just wanted someone...anyone there beside me so that I wouldn't feel so alone.
I became far more forgiving of myself if I ever made mistakes, no matter how big or small. "It's alright if you mess up, you're not perfect. You're only doing your best." I forgave myself for not feeling strong enough to go back to college. I forgave myself when I finally gave up the job that made me miserable. I forgave myself when I stood up for things I believed in. I forgave myself for all the times I harmed myself (purposefully or inadvertently). Because now, I'm focusing on healing the damage that's been done for the last so many years. I'm not in counselling anymore and I have no pills or tablets to help me along the way. I'm doing all the work myself, but in a slower way. Although it may take longer, I feel at peace with myself and I'm prouder of myself everyday.
I have my whole life to figure out what career path I'll go down, spend time with friends and family and complete my personal bucket list. Just as you have your whole life to do all the things you've ever wanted to do. So, take a step back, observe and acknowledge your surroundings. You can't do everything by yourself and there's nothing to be ashamed of. I know that more than anyone. You're doing brilliant and working so hard on making everything fit into a plan, for everything to be perfect. But it can't always be. If you ever need support, there will always be someone out there to listen and understand. It's your turn to receive all the love and care you've always given to others. At the end of the day, you are still as strong as ever. So please don't reject any help along the way. Reaching out to someone (a loved one or professional) every once in a while will do wonders for you, I promise.
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