Learning to cope without therapy

It started with breathing troubles in the nighttime, just before I fell asleep. I was always terrified something bad would happen while I slept. I was always afraid I was never going to wake up. 

Those breathing problems soon incorporating themselves into everyday life, later diagnosed as anxiety and depression. I was afraid of my own shadow and those around me. I beat myself down for anything out of my control and blamed myself for things I never did. I placed a tremendous amount of guilt for other people's problems. I still do, to this day. But therapy helped all of that. It may not have "cured" me, necessarily...but it helped me cope in ways I couldn't have ever imagined. I was fourteen when I began that journey.

             6 years later, and I'm no longer in therapy. I'm taking 20mg of my antidepressants. I still dip in my confidence. I still have breathing problems at night. I've developed a significant amount of claustrophobia- something of which I have never struggled with in my life until now. But I'm eating well and at the times that I should. Which is far better than the situation I endured after my exams finished in 2017. At that time, I severely restricted my meals to much smaller portions and stretched the time between meals significantly. I slept no less than about 14 hours a night, because no amount of sleep was enough for me. I'd crawl into bed and cry. Other times I stared at the ceiling feeling nothing, hoping the earth would just swallow me up forever. And it wouldn't hurt anymore. The medication (which I started in the autumn of that year) helped manage the chemicals in my brain so that I wouldn't feel 'nothing' anymore. While it did spiral my emotions all over the place- back and forth between feeling nothing and everything all at once, it regulated quite well, but it took a good while for me to get there.

             I can feel my worries kicking in every now and then. Sometimes my confidence drops to the ground where its too heavy to pick back up. At the moment, I'm struggling with my appearance to the point where I can't stand to look in the mirror. I don't like what I see and it makes me want to curl into bed for days on end. Sometimes I get angry at myself for not improving the way I should be after all this time. But then I remember how far I've come with many aspects of my mental health. Confidence was always going to be the primary issue for me. This time, I don't want to hurt myself but rather help myself. I don't want to starve myself, I want to eat nutritious and delicious food. I don't cry myself to sleep anymore. I really am working on myself, no matter how difficult it can be at times. Even after all these years.
Therapy helped me through the most horrendous times. Therapy helped me through my bad thoughts and how to cope with the panic attacks, how to abolish the evil voices in my head because I was much more than them. I'm not worthless. I'm braver than I could ever imagine. I would not be where I am today without the guidance of my fabulous counsellors. I am forever grateful for each and every one of them. They deserve all the health and happiness in the world. 

            But at some point, we have to let that go. Making the decision to leave was for the best in my eyes. I'd have to learn to cope without it eventually. And I'm at the best I've ever been, even with my slight fallbacks every now and then. I have learned to communicate better with my loved ones of how I'm feeling and not bottle everything up. I'm still learning to take time for myself as well as learning to accept and respect everything I have become. I've learned the hard way that you can never pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself and the rest will come. It is absolutely okay to ask for help when you need it most. I am currently without my 'safety net' of therapy. I am inadvertently going into the world without my harness to fall back on. At the end of the day, I know that place will always be there for me. But for now, it's time to learn how to fly alone. 

Love always, 

Danya x