20 Things

20 Things I've Learned Turning 20

This list I've comprised over the last few days is by no means a way of me sharing my "wisdom"- because, let's be real it's still only very early days for me in terms of life experience. But I wanted to share with you everything I've learned in my years of battling anxiety and depression, and how I incorporated these self-taught lessons into practise with school, work, college, friends, family, relationships, etc. Perhaps it will help you, the reader in anything you may be going through. I hope you all have a wonderful 2019!

1. Once you find your spark, don't dare let it fizzle.

I've completely ignored my skills and abilities over the years and I feel an immense sense of regret for that. I absolutely adored drawing, painting and sketching. I thrived in art class up until the age of 14-15 and lost my passion for art completely. My skills remain, however my motivation to continue gets lesser and lesser each day. No matter what skill or ability you have, assuming you enjoy doing it, don't ever give it up. If you enjoy singing or dancing but want to be a doctor, that's absolutely fine. But please don't let yourself lose the fun part of you. Keep it for when you need to unwind. 

2. Know when to say "NO."

I can't stress this one enough. This one will not only save your life in dangerous situations before they get too drastic, this can help you in the smallest of occurrences. You don't always have to do what your friends are doing. If anything, going against the crowd will show them how strong you really are. Your teachers, parents or friends don't know everything. Follow your heart and do what your instincts tell you. 

3. ...But try saying "yes" once in a while.

Especially if, like me you're going through some shit. If your family invite you to the cinema, or your friends to the cinema, don't shut them down right away. It gives you a chance to get out of your isolatic bubble. Sometimes you just need a push every once in a while. Sometimes pushing out of your comfort zone is a good thing. 

4. Say how you feel.  

Don't bottle up how you're feeling in the moment. You don't necessarily have to discuss your troubles if you don't want to. My friend and I agreed that anytime we're feeling sad or angry, or even happy, when we get asked how we are, we simply respond with the current emotion we're feeling. Then a follow-up of "I (don't) want to talk about it." It was unbelievably helpful. Because eventually, we didn't want to bottle up anything we were feeling. We were there for each other. Also, it is beneficial to both of you for two very important reasons: 1) It makes you feel good knowing someone is aware how you're feeling for a later time, and 2) If you're noticeably irritable later, that person will be at your side from what you said earlier. 

5. Life is too short to hang out with people you don't like. 

You're not going to like everyone you meet. But that doesn't mean you have to hang out with them. There's obvious reasons for you not liking those people. And same goes if they're not a big fan of you, they won't hang out with you. But we need to learn that that's okay. We move on with our lives because there are people out there who we do love, and who love us and who we are going to make incredible memories with. 

6. Know when it's time to stop. 

I feel like many of us get this gut feeling more often than we think, but we ignore it most of the time. For smaller reasons, I would say if you're taking up piano and several years later you just haven't grasped the notes or don't care about playing it anymore, maybe it's time to stop. Or, for bigger reasons, look out for red flags in your friends and relationships. Take a step back every once in a while, and ask yourself if this is okay. You deserve respect and love. Know when it's time to let go of negative relationships. 

7. Music is your best friend. 

Spotify is the best thing since sliced bread in my eyes. Spotify Premium is just a life-saver. Don't underestimate the power of music. I find that it helps me sleep, calms my nerves before college, and soothes my mind after a tough day at work. 

8. Frustrated? Exercise is KEY.

Any counsellor or doctor I've talked to has noted the importance of this tip time and time again. During free periods at college, I head to the gym and sweat out all my frustration of the day. My personal favourite is air punches with weights or squat exercises. They just work for me. I feel powerful and strong. If the gym isn't your thing, walking or swimming is the next best thing! I like to head out at least once a day to clear my head. It does wonders.

9. To anyone still in school, your final exams are NOT the end of the world.

It may not feel like it, but it's true. There will always be a back door or another road towards your dreams. I did not have a clue what I wanted to do, but I knew I always needed to help others. I didn't do incredible in my Leaving Cert. In fact, I hated every second of those two torturous, horrendous years. As for my results, I was about average. I did an Arts degree in Maynooth, studied 4 subjects, passed my first year and they let me move on to the Bachelor of Laws degree (which I checked is CRAZY points if you're looking to go straight into it) and I managed to get there, but just a little later. So don't worry. No one is going to judge you for your progress, no matter how slow. 

10. Stop worrying about the things you can't control. 

Those people or those situations you're trying to change are not your priority. People are not going to change- only you can change around those circumstances. The worries will eat you alive. Learn to let go, breathe and if you are unhappy, move on. 

11. Learn to love your flaws (or at least live with them). 

Because one day it will become a trend. Take it from the girl who got bullied for her thick, bushy eyebrows in school. Several years later, and they're a big hit. I was self-conscious over my boobs and hips because they're larger than life, but now most girls you see on social media are dying to get that curvy figure. Learn to live with them for now, and don't take them for granted. 

12. It's okay to want to be alone.

For someone who had a lot of friends growing up, I did quite enjoy my alone time. And I still enjoy it to this day. Just don't get wrapped up in it too much. Take time for yourself and take time for those around you. 

13. Don't bother with gossip. 

I never did enjoy the nastiness of friend groups who did this. I have been in a few friend groups over the years and every single one of them gossiped or spoke ill about the other. It wasn't nice to be around. If they're bitching about someone else, they're probably doing it about you too. Stay away from those people. My mother always embedded this in me growing up. 

14. Sometimes being silent is the best thing you can do.

This tip I learned from my grandad growing up. My nanny used to tell us stories of the local people, I'd ask a follow-up question of something regarding the story and my grandad would always say "It's none of your business. Just nod along." And he was right. Now anytime someone is telling me a story, if I barely know the storyteller or whoever's involved in the story, I never ask follow-up questions. Just listen along to what they want you to hear. It's completely your decision to listen or walk away from it. Sometimes being silent is the best thing you can do because it diminishes any trouble in many situations. It shows respect. 

15. Be kind, but not expect anything in return. 

You always see social media influencers heading out on the streets and handing out food or money to those in need- all caught on tape. I never had any respect towards these people. It shows a complete lack of empathy and presents your narcissistic side. Be kind, but don't expect praise or for anyone to give you anything to heighten your pride. It defeats the purpose of the kind act in the first place. Your actions speak much louder than words. If you want to help others, do it because you genuinely want to see that person succeed.

16. Express yourself for yourself. 

Just say "fuck it" every once in a while and go do what you want to do. Get that piercing, dye your hair. Wear that mad designed dress. Share your ideas with the world. If you want to make something out of yourself, you have to just pretend there's no one around. Someone is going to judge you eventually for whatever reason, so let yourself go. Be yourself completely unapologetically. 

17. SPEAK THE TRUTH. 

The one bit of advice I will continuously carry on with me to everyone I know until I can no longer express it. Honesty comes a long way and lying, manipulating and sneaking does not benefit anyone. If you don't want to speak your truth, say nothing. It diminishes a lot of heartbreak and distrust by being completely upfront when you meet someone. I may not love myself most days, but I am incredibly proud of my honesty. I never apologise for it. 

18. Eat your breakfast!

I thought I'd throw in a less serious one in here. But it is a very important tip to me and something I preach to my nearest and dearest. Most people I know don't bother eating breakfast because of time restraints, ill feelings in the morning or lack of desire for it. Me? I love breakfast. I go to bed waiting anxiously for my breakfast the next morning. It keeps me going for the first few hours of my day! 

19. Don't underestimate the powers of therapy. 

I know that therapy/counselling may not be for everyone, but for someone who has been in it for the past several years, it has truly changed my life. I always described counselling as my safety net. I could always unwind my troubles to my counsellor, who is not directly involved in my life/nor do they know anyone in my life who won't repeat a word you share. And it is fantastic. It always helped me in the long run for things out of my control. If I had a bad day, it would help ease my mind knowing that in the next few days, I could share all of this with my counsellor. I almost unloaded my troubles to them, one small box at a time. And it made a whole world of difference. 

20. When confronting someone, don't focus on what they did. Focus on how they made you feel and express this to them. Because no one in this world can take your feelings away from you.

I was 16 when I first heard this from my counsellor. The sheer realness stuck with me ever since. It diminishes any feelings of anger, hurt or pain. It lets them know how they hurt you, without being attacked for their actions. Express how you are feeling in that moment and never look back. Never apologise for how you feel. They are not worthy for you. 

I thought this would be a great way of kicking off the new year. I'm looking forward to sharing my writings with you and the journeys I will embark upon in the next few months! First and foremost, turning 20 on January 9th. Then the 14th arises, and I have college exams. 

I wish you all the very best of luck this year. I hope 2019 grants you health and happiness.

Love always, 

Danya x