Why I Believe In Tough Love: And Why You Should Too
Like many of my other posts, this one was inspired by the Kodaline song, 'Unclear.' I listened to this song quite a lot during my downfall stages of anxiety and depression. It felt so powerful to me, even when I felt so hopeless. Not just because it's an absolute bop, but because of its strong lyrics and the meanings behind it. I highly recommend to anyone going through a tough time to listen to it. My own interpretation of the song is that it conveys a compelling message that no matter how unsure or unclear your future presents itself, you have no other choice but to fight through it, no matter how much it hurts you.
So you swallow your heart and you swallow your pride
You gotta be tough if you wanna survive
I have learned tough love from my mother. From my earliest memories, as a young girl, I'd fall or trip over and start crying. She wouldn't hesitate in the slightest. She wouldn't worry. She wouldn't panic. She would simply pick me up, dust me off, shake me about and continuously repeat the words, "You're so brave. You're so brave. You're so brave" until I stopped. I think my mother always knew how sensitive I was. This method of tough love continued on and still remains to this day. I would have my breakdowns and anxiety attacks, and she, assuming she was there for them of course, repeat the same process. She wouldn't sit and empathize as I usually would when someone in front of me is crying their eyes out. On some level, though I think she did, but partly. She used her mother's methods on me, as many other Dublin mammies did. My mother is the strongest woman I know even with her troubles over the years. She always fought through every single battle with wit, little (presented) emotion and pride. I think she wanted to reflect that to me.
And on some levels, she did. While it may have taken a long time for me to get to the stage I'm at now, which I'll be honest, could be a lot more stable, it is more than I ever expected as a young girl. I would unload my emotions and thoughts to her, and she would quickly point out how simple this problem really is. Granted, she wouldn't do this with all my problems. Just the ones when, in retrospect and hindsight are so tiny compared to other problems I faced prior in my life. Something as silly and minute as worrying about an upcoming assignment or that someone making a passing comment that I internalize to myself. She was always the one who shook me about, expressing how silly I was being. And I can't thank her enough for that. Perhaps, that's why I value honesty so much.
I've noticed that I replicate her methods with those I love: friends, partners, other family members. I, of course allow them to feel. That's the most important thing. But what a person needs always is honesty. No matter how much it may hurt them. And it, of course will. Don't tell them what they want to hear. Tell them what they may need to hear. They might need to hear how horrible that person treated them if they're being evidently oblivious to the situation around them. They might need to hear if they're doing something morally wrong. They might even need to hear if what they're doing is having a profound and negative impact on you.
I've beaten around the bush so many times growing up because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. But sometimes you need to protect those you love with sheer honesty and tough love. Sometimes you need to protect yourself. Don't be afraid to be that honest friend. You may just be the only one they really have. So many of my friends come to me before anyone for genuine advice because they don't always need delicate lies and fabricated observations or biased perspectives.
I've implemented this to my own thoughts and understandings. When I'm overthinking a situation that I know is so minute and delirious, I stop myself and force my thoughts in the different direction: the perspectives of my mother. I mumble, "Okay, STOP. Enough."
I'm a sensitive, emotional and quite a reflective person. But, sometimes I don't want to be mollycoddled. My good friend, Niamh is wonderful for hard truths. I would go to her anytime I get wrapped up in ridiculous worries and she would say something like, "ah sure it's grand I have those worries too/Would you stop, everything's fine don't be getting upset!" Both of those responses are vastly different, but deliver the same effect. The truth is hard sometimes, but it is (nine times out of ten) NECESSARY. How else can someone be reprimanded for their bad choices? Sometimes, it takes the harsh truth to set someone aside from their delirious minds. Vital for those suffering with mental health problems. Even more so for general shitheads.
Our generation shies away from the hard truths of life constantly. With social media and technology, we can hide from our problems rather than deal with them upfront. We're so careful about protecting others and our own feelings from pain, but what we're creating is a larger scaled societal barrier from the simple concept: the truth will set you free. We are constantly lurking away in the shadows, fending off the outside world. We mute and ignore messages from friends to avoid hanging out. We "ghost" potential dates/lovers to avoid confronting our insecurities. By doing this, we are masking ourselves which in turn, unleashes our anxious minds even more. It raises more and more questions of doubt, guilt and insecurities. Would the world not be far better if we could just say it as it is?
Life will always go on. Be honest with others. Be honest with yourselves.
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